Yes, I am a proud man, but this is funny.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. Amazed, the woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

also:

What do you call a fish missing an eye?
Fsh.

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Patty O'Furniture.

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or

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but how'd they get in there?

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quote:

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Originally posted by nderdog:
Ugh. Looks like we might need to start a new thread for funny jokes.

---

Agreed.

A man in California saves a bunch of orphans from dying. In return God will grant him one wish. He says "I'd like a giant super highway from California to Hawaii, so I can drive there for vacation because I'm afraid of flying". God says to him "Think of all the resources and man power and hard work that will take. Do you maybe have a less selfish wish?" The man thinks for a moment and says "I'd like to understand women" God stares are him, blinks, and says "So how many lanes on that highway?"

Or at least that's how I heard it.

Anyway, my jokes are all "offensive" so I'll need mod permission to post 'em. They're quite funny, and I don't mean any offence, just want to make sure it's ok for me to post 'em. Nder, Jaz, Bolty? Yay/nay?

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

quote:

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Originally posted by crazyturk:
Anyway, my jokes are all "offensive" so I'll need mod permission to post 'em. They're quite funny, and I don't mean any offence, just want to make sure it's ok for me to post 'em. Nder, Jaz, Bolty? Yay/nay?

---

Well, shoot me a PM and I'll see.

Ground rules for this thread, use some common sense. Anything that would be an inappropriate topic elsewhere isn't to be posted here. This includes jokes involving racism and gay-bashing to name a few.

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quote:

---

Originally posted by nderdog:
Well, shoot me a PM and I'll see.

Ground rules for this thread, use some common sense. Anything that would be an inappropriate topic elsewhere isn't to be posted here. This includes jokes involving racism and gay-bashing to name a few.

---

PM'd.

A man walks into a bar at the top of the Stratosphere. He sits down next to a guy who's obviously been there for a while and is totally hammered. The drunk looks over and says "Hey buddy, wanna know a secret? Because of the wind currents here, if you jump off of the tower, you'll get pushed right back up." The guy just laughs and orders a drink. The drunk says "You don't believe me, huh? C'mon, I'll prove it." They head outside, and the drunk jumps, much to the man's horror. A few seconds later, sure enough, the drunk is pushed right back up. The guy just shakes his head and says "I need another drink!" About 3 beers later, the drunk says "You know you want to try that, don't you?" The man just says no and orders another beer. After a few beers, the man finally gets enough liquid courage, and heads out to try. He jumps off and...a few seconds later he hits the ground and is killed. As the drunk walks back into the bar, the bartender says "Man, you're one mean drunk, Superman!"

Superman was bored out of his mind, so he decided to fly around the city and just see what's up. He passed Wonder Woman's window, and saw she was buck-naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The invisible man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

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quote:

---

Originally posted by nderdog:

Superman was bored out of his mind, so he decided to fly around the city and just see what's up. He passed Wonder Woman's window, and saw she was buck-naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The invisible man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

---

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quote:

---

Originally posted by nderdog:
Superman was bored out of his mind, so he decided to fly around the city and just see what's up. He passed Wonder Woman's window, and saw she was buck-naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The invisible man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

---

Close tho.

In the beginning, it's something like this. Superman was flying out, soaring in the sky. He thought he would be able to gathering his friends and go drinking. So he fly, and saw the Hulk smashing the concrete. He told the Hulk if he wanna go to the party. But the Hulk reponses back, telling him that he can't because he gotta help the construction workers to remove the concrete. So Superman went back to flying and happens to see Spiderman swinging away, block by block. He told Spiderman if he wanna party with him. Spiderman told him, "I can't, flyboy. I got people to resuce!" Superman shrugged and went back to flying until he saw Wonder Woman, bare-naked in the pool.

And then, there

He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The Invisible Man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

LMAO

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It's depend. At least ten Polish to lift up the house and turn.

One day, there is a American, Russian, and Polish up in the tallest mountain and saw a lamp. The Polish rubbed the lamp, and out came the genie. The genie granted them one wish for any choice, just for releasing the genie from the lamp after a long year. But the genie told them, in order to make the wish come true, he must run down the mountain saying out his wish and his wish will be grant. First, the American run down and wished to be an eagle so he can be everlasting soar through the sky. And poof, the American became an eagle and out he soar. The Russian said that was nothing and run down the mountain and wished to be a bear so that he can eat all this fish he want. And poff, the Russian became a bear. The Polish said that he can beat both of them and run down the mountain. As the Polish run down, screaming "I wish I could", he tripped over a rock, "Oh, ****!". Poof, out he became a ****.

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Q: What did the deaf, blind, quadraplegic orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

I know I'm going to hell but it cracks me up everytime.

quote:

---

Originally posted by x0x2k1:
Best one liner ever:

Q: What did the deaf, blind, quadraplegic orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

I know I'm going to hell but it cracks me up everytime.

---

That was so cold, as for me being deaf....

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q: how come smokey the bears wife can never get pregnant?

a: becuase everytime she gets hot, he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Bentiko:
Close tho.

In the beginning, it's something like this. Superman was flying out, soaring in the sky. He thought he would be able to gathering his friends and go drinking. So he fly, and saw the Hulk smashing the concrete. He told the Hulk if he wanna go to the party. But the Hulk reponses back, telling him that he can't because he gotta help the construction workers to remove the concrete. So Superman went back to flying and happens to see Spiderman swinging away, block by block. He told Spiderman if he wanna party with him. Spiderman told him, "I can't, flyboy. I got people to resuce!" Superman shrugged and went back to flying until he saw Wonder Woman, bare-naked in the pool.

And then, there

He thought...you know, I'm Superman...I could fly in, hit that and fly back out faster than a speeding bullet, and no one would ever know. He decides to take the opportunity. As he flies off, Wonder Woman jumps up and says "What was that?" The Invisible Man says "I don't know...but my butt sure hurts!"

LMAO

---

How is that different from my version, except that I purposely shortened the irrelevant lead-in stuff?

If ya'll are going to copy jokes from elsewhere, PLEASE be sure to check and make sure that any swear words are either completely removed or unedited at all. Cutting and pasting isn't an excuse for words that evade the autocensor.

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Q. what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. pull the pin and throw it back

Q. what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. run like hell the blonde has a grenade in her mouth

Q. what do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. last years hide and go seek champion

Q: What's the dif. between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The moquito stops sucking when you slap it.

lolxcore

quote:

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Originally posted by Griffon Guild:
You can say THAT on MOTL????? WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

---

good heavens no, we don't want to excite NightDog.

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Valmtg says:
Imagine having an opened umbrella coming out of your pee-hole. It's just that fun!